Since your death I have been conflating you with Archangel Michael. It started the day of your death, while mom was on the phone a snake glided over her shoe and when she told us a vision flashed in my mind of St. Michael brandishing a (sometimes flaming) sword over his head, standing over the serpent - subdued.
Months ago i signed up for a collaging workshop. I got sick and missed it so i’m not attending the next interaction. The focus has shifted from vision boards to self-love. I‘m in, because i love the provider and trust in the magic, but also felt like while this will be lovely it will not go deep because i’m already pretty down with who i am. Then this morning on your birthday i saw it. Self-love, a gift. Because it’s not all ego and thinking “Man, i’m pretty dope”. It’s belief. It’s belief in and reverence for your core. The root of who you are, what sits in your guts, your unique brand of magic.
In the book of Daniel, Michael is a “Great prince who stands up for the children of your people.”
You come in hot in sessions for those that know you. The lapis lazuli tower shouts loudly sometimes when i prepare. And it’s not a “Pick me, pick me!” It’s much less desperate, more of a “Let me through, i got this.” Clients always laugh when i ask “do you work with Archangel Michael,” because they know you like i do. So many feel close to you, and while this could be fodder for feelings of jealousy and insecurity, blown out chests of i know him better, but Michael the Archangel is able to be with everyone who asks, at any time. And the relationships are uniquely powerful, you are who you are to all without it diminishing the experience for anyone else. Big brother energy, the fiercest protector, you protect from the creeps and the haters, even (and especially) if that comes from inside ourselves. That’s the legacy.
I miss you most is when i’m feeling lost. We had so many long lunches or after parties or semesters days of reflection to work out where in life i should go. And the direction was not always the same, but the answer was. Trust your talents and know your worth.
On my twenty-first birthday we went out for one of those fancy dinners that riddle your twenties when you finally feel old enough to deserve it and can almost afford it. The table sat : myself, sister, fiance, and two future brothers-in-law. The waiter thought he was funny and joked about giving me a birthday spanking. You were the only one who spoke up with a “Hey, that’s my sister!”
In a session early on in my reiki practice i was working with someone with mediumship abilities, which she didn’t tell me until it was over. After the session she told me it had been noisy on her end and i knew right away who had pushed through with things to say. The symbol she shared which she couldn’t quite parse - a giant umbrella.
You have always advocated for the youngest of us. From when the boy cousins were little shits aching to be in your shadow, to when their kids needed someone to play ball with. You whispered God knows what to Ezra before she could talk, and taught the bigger nieces important lessons, some true some false like how the best part of credit cards was never having to pay them back.
The last time i saw you was moving day. We hardly spoke, but i texted you later to let you know that i finally saw it. In your hustle i had seen only fear and ego and those were tools, but the root was love. Moving houses in the last month of your life seemed like the manic fever dream of a dying man. We wondered “What difference will this make if you’re only in a hospital bed?” But then i saw, when the fence was complete, the move was for her. For my sister you wanted a safe haven, a golden nest egg. A house on Acacia.
I’ve always hated storms. So in my explorations with angels i learned to use them for protection at will. Now when the winds blow in, thunder riding on it’s back i place angels at the four corners of our property. Gabriel, Ariel, Uriel, Zadkiel, Chamuel, Raphael. Who is where fluctuates any given day, but always over the roof - blue & gold wings wide spread, i place Michael. This is my comfort, passed onto my children.
An uncanny experience in the fury of your funeral and the many celebrations of your life were how everyone had the same things to say. Even a year later, we gathered at the basketball court resurfaced in your honor it was the same. “He was my brother.” And everyone agreed, and no one argued “But i was really his best friend.” Because there was enough to go around. No one relationship diminished by the specialness of another. You held a unique capacity.
May 8th is the celebration of the apparition of St. Michael at a church built in his honor on Mount Gargano in Italy.
The summer of 2004 you taught me to drink bourbon. I was an excellent, or at least enthusiast, student. Young, with my boyfriend abroad i was unprotected for the summer and too precocious for such a precarious position. You stuck close. If i was going ot be up to no good, it would be with you or someone you trusted. One such night, potential suitors prowling, my head spinning you laid down on my futon with me and threw your heavy arm across my body, so no one else would even think of trying, a vehement cuddle buddy.
Acacia trees. Masculine, it’s used in spells of protection, and to increase personal power. In Africa, it’s uses are plenty. Some of the only shade as the branches stretch out more horizontal than vertical. The bark is edible, and though not gourmet it’s a life giving staple for the unhoused, underserved, or those lost in the veldt. A safety net. A life line for the most basic survival. The very bottom of the pyramid. Acacia symbolizes after life, life after.
This morning i sat down with a deck your wife passed on to me to ask with a sigh what you had to say.
The Grail Night - your unmistakable guise “He represents the coming together of all elements to form perfect life through a union of heaven and earth.” The message, “When the Grail Knight appears he lets you know that your own beauty, perfection, and inner most desires may be reflected in the mirror that is held up by the love of another…Perhaps it’s also a time for you to fall in love with yourself.”
These are the ways you’ve always show up for your people. Sword blazing when need, but also an umbrella in the storm, a mischievous pied piper, a mirror held with a steady hand.
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